Friday, July 27, 2007

Harry Potter rejected ending option #7,356

Harry and some other character (I’ve never read the books so I don’t know any of the characters’ names) are fighting. Maybe in a castle. Or in a moonlit woods. Or possibly in front of the Hot Topic at the mall but they’re really careful not to let the fight spill over into the area in front of the Orange Julius because the manager there keeps calling the mall guards and they don’t want to get kicked out again because the other character’s mom is totally not gonna let them hang out in her living room tonight because she just got a new couch at the Rent To Own and she doesn’t want them spilling Coke or getting stab wounds all over it.

They each have an arsenal of weapons including swords and amulets and ancient curses and screeching owls named Diablo with sharp talons and really stinky owl butts that can kill in one whiff. The battle is epic, with sleights of hand and … um … other wizardy stuff.

Suddenly one person seems to be winning. Then the other one does. Then the first one does again, only this time with some jingoistic catch phrase that makes it clear he’s about to be the victor.

Then one of the owls screeches. For effect.

Then, just as the almost-victor is about to drive his sword or his lightning bolt or his your-mother-related insult into the almost-loser, a third character appears from the shadows, wielding a giant weapon of some sort. The third character swings the weapon and it’s not clear which of the first two characters it will hit. Everyone gasps in anticipation as the weapon comes crashing down.

And then darkness. And silence.

Through the inky blackness, you see a hand groping for … something.

There’s a bit of a crash as an implement of some sort falls off a table, but the hand eventually finds what it’s looking for: a light source. A table lamp, actually. With a plaid shade.

The lamp comes on. Through the dim light, we can just start to make out the shadowy figures of …

Bob Newhart and Suzanne Pleshette in bed together, both clad in pajamas. Bob turns to Suzanne and speaks:

“Honey, wake up. You won’t believe the dream I just had …”

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